Call off the search..

A fabulous discovery by a friend:

Google "failure". The first result that pops up is interesting.....

The 12th September...

The day I submitted my dissertation. The day I officially finished my masters degree...my education. It is over. Aaaaaaaaah the sweet joyous smell of freedom. I can now run around outside, feel the wind on my face, lie in the luscious green grass, in the glorious sunshine.....see the fat buzzing bumble bees wobbling about drunk on nectar....
Snap. Sorry daydream delirium. Yes this is England. Now that I can finally go OUT, its raining, not just cats and dogs, but elephants. Murphy's law. Aaaaaaaaargh. Well, at least im back in the world...this mole ain't gonna be a stuck in a hole no more.

12th September is also the day England won the Ashes after 18 years. Cricket is a beautiful game. A gentlemanly sport. Where else do you have technical terms such as: 'golden duck' and 'teapot'. The only good thing that has come from empire. Glorious...

Macedonia

Although im still beavering away at the dissertation, my inner nationalist felt compelled to share this important factoid with you.

Today is Macedonian Independence Day (circa 1992).
In a region which is quite literally the Balkan apple of temptation, there have been so many wars, independences, dates of nationalist character building, that all countries tend to celebrate a plethora of historical dates.

In November Macedonia will learn whether it has become an EU candidate country. If it does become a candidate country, Greece will have yet another temper tantrum, and probably block ultimate entry into "Europa". We will remain the crazed blood-thirsty Balkans. And so we have the dichotomy of Europe, for those in it and those out, it represents different ideals, fused into paradoxical unity. Watch this space.


PS. For certain Tories who might be reading...it was originally WInston Churchill who proposed a "United States for Europe"....

A Thought on History

You know you've reached the pinnacle of madness, staring into the darkest abyss of insanity (which is a shade of peacock today, in case you were interested) when you begin quoting yourself:

"History is one long bad mood."

To The Citizens of the United States of America

I remember this doing the rounds when good ol' Dubya cheated his way into power. It is still absolutely hilarious. If only... We could finally wave goodbye to the myth of the special relationship.
Enjoy.

To The Citizens of the United States of America:
In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabethan, will resume monarchic duties over all states, commonwealths, interdiction (excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.The letter 'u' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise".Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up vocabulary). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of 'ize'.

You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. You will learn to resolvepersonal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact thatyou need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults.If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone orspeaking to a therapist, then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything moredangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish tocarry a vegetable peeler in public.

All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you Japanese cars, you will understand what we mean. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been improperly calling gasoline) at roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries arenot real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, anddressed not with ketchup but with vinegar.The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, beallowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football,but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full body armour like a bunch of nancies). Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond yourborders, your error is understandable.

You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
An internal revenue agent ( i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all moniesdue (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your attention and co-operation.

Dream Delinquent

It's official. My subconscious needs to be locked up in a mental institution, proded with sharp implements and studied.
Last night I dreamt that I was chilling with Bono... yes, THE Bono of U2 fame, and we were apparently trying to write a cool choon. I was giving him several notes, then I started yelling "No! No, F then Bflat!". Then Bono started improvising on the notes with his acoustic guitar and came up with the coolest choon! Then, Ravi Shankar showed up and started adding Indian vibes to the guitar, except Ravi Shankar looked like Gandhi (this bit I can explain, it's probably to do with the documentary I watched on him last night.)
But Bono? Where did that come from?
Anyways, back to humming away happily.